Dear Newly Breastfeeding Momma

I heard once that by the time your baby is three months old, you will feel bad for formula feeding moms because they have to prepare and warm bottles. I figured there was no way that could be true. I'm here to tell you it is. In the early days, it'll be hard. My daughter and I got off to a rocky start. She latched perfectly in the hospital and then we hit our first problem. I ran out of colostrum. I didn't even know that was possible.  My husband and I spoon fed colostrum I had pumped and frozen during my pregnancy to our daughter. After it was gone, we fought the nurses for formula. They thought it would ruin our chances of breastfeeding. We made the choice to do it anyways though and syringe fed our daughter formula for almost a week while we waited for my milk to come in. Eventually I woke up one morning and my breasts were so full they had soaked our bed sheets. They were warm, and rocky, and nothing brought me comfort. Around that time, we ran into our second problem. My daughter now refused to latch. I would try and she would scream and cry. I cried too. It was around that time that my sweet sister-in-law came by. I was feeling so low that I refused to leave my room. I didn't want anyone to see the baby or myself. I was tired from failing and was nearing my breaking point. My sister-in-law sat next to me on my bed and did everything she could to help me with Kinlee. She said maybe we should try a nipple shield. So, my husband and mother-in-law ran out to Target and grabbed one. They brought it back and we tried again, this time with the shield. And what do you know? Kinlee latched. For the first time in almost a week she latched. Problem solved. But it wasn't. We did the best we could though and I adjusted to being a new mom. Because we were using the shield I was also pumping after every single feeding. I was tired but hey, that was the sacrifice I had to make to give my daughter the best, right? We used the shield for a couple weeks before I called my hospital's lactation consultant and asked them to help us get off of the shield. The first time Kinlee refused to get off of the shield. She screamed and cried and refused to nurse. The consultant said maybe she wasn't ready and scheduled us for an appointment the following week to try again. We went home and within two days Kinlee had completely weaned from the shield. We never looked back. Still, there were times when I cried to my husband, asking him why I was nursing. There were times when I had to force myself to nurse her, because it was almost too easy to reach for the formula left over from her first week of life. There were times when I had to tell myself that if I still felt the same way in the morning, I would be done and she would be put on formula. Eventually those hard times got fewer and farther between. Things got easier and now, three months in, breastfeeding is second nature to both of us. What I am trying to say is stick it out, momma. I know in the early days you are sleep deprived and hormonal and maybe even trying to figure out which one of you cries more, you or your baby. I know that you will be engorged and leaking onto anything and everything you wear. I know that the samples of formula you received in the mail will seem like the easy way out. Stick it out though, momma. You can do it. I believe in you.

Breastfeeding for the very first time, around 4:00 am after 21 hours of labor.

 I have a bond with Kinlee that no one else in the world has. I am so glad that I stuck it out and that we have made it this far. I have no plans to wean her anytime soon and will let her nurse for as long as she wants to, within reason. I thank my sister-in-law for all of her help in the early days. I would never have made it through without her. So JoBeth, thanks for being such a rockstar sister-in-law.
Love, Morgan

To Kinlee, the Story of Your Birth

Friday, April fourth. 

Braxton Hicks. I knew we were getting close. I knew we had a few days, at best. 

Saturday, April fifth. 

My contractions had progressively increased all Friday and when I woke Saturday morning they were stronger. I knew it would be soon. I just knew it. I called your daddy around eleven am and told him we would be having a baby and to come home. He came home and we installed your car seat. We went on a walk, I drank some tea, I bounced on an exercise ball.  We waited. I pleaded with my body to make my contractions stronger. It would be soon. 

Sunday, April sixth 

My water broke at three am. It was a teeny tiny gush, nothing like the movies. I asked your daddy if we should go to the hospital. He wasn't convinced it was my water. We slept. I awoke later to no contractions. After being in very early labor for two days, my labor had stalled. I cried and I wailed. I told your daddy I would be pregnant forever. I was inconsolable. 

Monday, April seventh

My birthday. My contractions started again somewhere around 1:00 am. I stood up and rocked through them to keep them coming stronger. Eventually I tired and fell asleep. I woke up, moaning through contractions around 6:30 am. I went to the bathroom and my water gushed once more.

Dr. Brown, Nurse Betsy, and I.

Your daddy said we should wait until my appointment at ten. Mommy wasn't having it so I called your Mimi and off we went to the hospital.
I was nauseous but didn't eat. Mimi told me I should but I figured we would be sent back home. By the time we got to the hospital my contractions were five minutes apart. They did an amniotic fluid test and determined my water had broken. We would be staying. I called your daddy. As is typical with him, it took multiple calls to wake him up. We got situated in room 418 and started on IV antibiotics to ward off infection. Daddy grabbed the bags and headed up to the hospital. He drove me absolutely insane. He really did. He always does. I love him though.
I was started on Pitocin at 10:30 am. Soon afterwards my contractions were between 30 seconds to two minutes apart. Dr Brown swept my membranes and fully broke my water. It was the worst pain I have experienced, ever. Around 1:00 I received my epidural. Honestly, it was heaven. After hours and hours on the highest possible Pitocin drip, I was still failing to dilate. We were faced with possible csection. I cried. Of course I cried. My nurse Betsy, the only nurse of mine whose name I remember, consoled me. She was an angel. She said she would do everything she could to get you out and she did. She flipped me from my side, to my other side, to the middle every thirty minutes. We waited and waited and waited some more. I had your mimi do my hair and makeup. The nurses thought that was funny. I prayed you would arrive before midnight and I struggled to nap.

Tuesday, April eighth.
 About an hour before you were born my epidural wore off. I tried to push through without it. The pain was great though so they sent the anethesiologist in to give me one more. You daddy had been asleep for hours so he didn't know the pain I was in. Your mimi held my hand and stroked my hair. She really is the best mother a girl could ask for. With a lot of praying and crying, I was fully dilated. The nurse called the doctor and we waited. He arrived somewhere around 3:30 am and we got ready to meet you. Your papa came up to the hospital so that he could meet you whenever you were born. I pushed for three pushes and out you came into the world at 3:58 am. A seven pound, three ounce beautiful screaming girl. Dr. Brown laid you on my chest and at once, I became a mother.